I'm really having a hard time writing this without me circling back around and repeating. There is something that I need to do, but at this moment I either don't want or I don't see it.
Well it's been the week from hell for me, and I'm mentally, emotionally, physically spent. My brain is a pile of mush, and I feel like I could sleep for a month. It's not like anything major happened this last week, but I feel like this none the less.
You see the only thing that happened this week was me and DH, and not in the good way either. You see, we have a very dysfunctional relationship, and it has been this way for eight very long years. We actually aren't married but Dear Husband sounds a bit better that boyfriend so I went with it.
About two weeks after we started going out he decided that I needed to be fixed and he was just the person to do this because of course he knew just what was wrong with me. I had other thoughts on this and in kicked my defense system. It's been running full blast for almost eight years, and I'm tired.
I should mention that things aren't as bad as they were for the first five years. Things really have improved. There are no longer objects flying threw the air (I confess this would mostly be me) police aren't getting called, the screaming has almost disappeared.
However there are some key things that are still happening, and I'm having a very hard time dealing with it. Some of it is my fault, some (most, of course) is his fault. At this point of writing I don't feel as if I need to get into all the gritty details, but who knows maybe later I will.
The point is that after eight years of basically stuffing it, with the exception of the occasional small eruptions, I have pretty much just buried my hurt, anger, thoughts and feelings down deep. Well that all came to a end Sunday after a week of being bombarded with all his issues that he has with me. I completely lost it yesterday. I'm talking about the, "holy shit she's possessed, head spinning, spit flying", loosing it. I am not joking here, I actually did that, ok that might be an exaggeration, but it sure felt like that is what happened.
Was I wrong in behaving like that? Yes I was, and once I found my head lying under the couch I put it back on and apologized. When he asked me what it was that he did that made me go so over the top, I couldn't give him a precise answer. It's all these little things when put together equals one HUGE problem for me. It's very frustrating to not be able to put it into words. It's just this feeling that I get deep down in my gut. An anger that starts at a simmer and rapidly goes into a volcanic explosion. Unfortunately all he has to do now is just open his mouth and the feeling starts. Even if it is just to ask me where his coffee is.
I hate not being in control of myself. It tends to make a big mess. I'm not saying that it's all my fault, because there is a lot of bad blood going on here. A vicious cycle that neither of us seems to be able to stop. We both know it's happening, and we are both helpless to stop it. It's just us, and it's a dynamic between us that is eventually going to kill us. For me, there isn't much left. Just kinda wandering through life, for him, well I cant really speak for him.
On top of being constantly bombarded emotionally, I just spent six years being sick due to the fact that the stupid doctors refused to give me the correct medication for my seizures . I am finally starting to become well again, and things have to change. They have to change NOW. I will not spend the next eight years being like a zombie on a ship in a storm getting tossed back and forth every time a wave hits. I want to live life, now that I have the energy, and my brain is no longer in a mental fog.
I have some issues obviously that I need to work on, like maybe quit stuffing things rather than address them or speaking my mind. Being able to discuss things that hit a sore spot with me without erecting the defensive walls faster than you can blink. These I guess would be two good ones to work on right away, and I'm thinking that they will keep me pretty busy for awhile. It's going to be tough, and I'm sure I will throw my temper tantrums. In the long run...in order for me to be happy in my life I must tackle these bad boys to the ground. Here goes nothing, wish me luck.
No comments:
Post a Comment