Time to Turn the Ship Around

I'm really having a hard time writing this without me circling back around and repeating. There is something that I need to do, but at this moment I either don't want or I don't see it.

Well it's been the week from hell for me, and I'm mentally, emotionally, physically spent. My brain is a pile of mush, and I feel like I could sleep for a month. It's not like anything major happened this last week, but I feel like this none the less.

You see the only thing that happened this week was me and DH, and not in the good way either. You see, we have a very dysfunctional relationship, and it has been this way for eight very long years. We actually aren't married but Dear Husband sounds a bit better that boyfriend so I went with it. 

About two weeks after we started going out he decided that I needed to be fixed and he was just the person to do this because of course he knew just what was wrong with me. I had other thoughts on this and in kicked my defense system. It's been running full blast for almost eight years, and I'm tired.

I should mention that things aren't as bad as they were for the first five years. Things really have improved. There are no longer objects flying threw the air (I confess this would mostly be me) police aren't getting called, the screaming has almost disappeared. 

However there are some key things that are still happening, and I'm having a very hard time dealing with it. Some of it is my fault, some (most, of course) is his fault. At this point of writing I don't feel as if I need to get into all the gritty details, but who knows maybe later I will. 



The point is that after eight years of basically stuffing it, with the exception of the occasional small eruptions, I have pretty much just buried my hurt, anger, thoughts and feelings down deep. Well that all came to a end Sunday after a week of being bombarded with all his issues that he has with me. I completely lost it yesterday. I'm talking about the, "holy shit she's possessed, head spinning, spit flying", loosing it. I am not joking here, I actually did that, ok that might be an exaggeration, but it sure felt like that is what happened.


Was I wrong in behaving like that? Yes I was, and once I found my head lying under the couch I put it back on and apologized. When he asked me what it was that he did that made me go so over the top, I couldn't give him a precise answer. It's all these little things when put together equals one HUGE problem for me. It's very frustrating to not be able to put it into words. It's just this feeling that I get deep down in my gut. An anger that starts at a simmer and rapidly goes into a volcanic explosion. Unfortunately all he has to do now is just open his mouth and the feeling starts. Even if it is just to ask me where his coffee is. 


I hate not being in control of myself. It tends to make a big mess. I'm not saying that it's all my fault, because there is a lot of bad blood going on here. A vicious cycle that neither of us seems to be able to stop. We both know it's happening, and we are both helpless to stop it. It's just us, and it's a dynamic between us that is eventually going to kill us. For me, there isn't much left. Just kinda wandering through life, for him, well I cant really speak for him.


On top of being constantly bombarded emotionally, I just spent six years being sick due to the fact that the stupid doctors refused to give me the correct medication for my seizures . I am finally starting to become well again, and things have to change. They have to change NOW. I will not spend the next eight years being like a zombie on a ship in a storm getting tossed back and forth every time a wave hits. I want to live life, now that I have the energy, and my brain is no longer in a mental fog. 


I have some issues obviously that I need to work on, like maybe quit stuffing things rather than address them or speaking my mind. Being able to discuss things that hit a sore spot with me without erecting the defensive walls faster than you can blink. These I guess would be two good ones to work on right away, and I'm thinking that they will keep me pretty busy for awhile. It's going to be tough, and I'm sure I will throw my temper tantrums. In the long run...in order for me to be happy in my life I must tackle these bad boys to the ground. Here goes nothing, wish me luck.

Jokester AKA Joe

     Introducing the Jokester AKA Joe. This kid just makes me shake my head sometimes. I wonder what is going on in his mind. Joe is the middle child and he grew up in our restaurant we ran while living on DH's Reservation. He would go around to people and mooch french fries from the customers. Needless to say he really likes the fries.

Joe likes to think he is funny and like to make people laugh. He tells really bad jokes, but usually will do something he thinks is funny. Like say, instead of giving you a kiss goodnight he will wait until the very last second and lick your nose instead. He finds this hilarious, I thought it was funny the first time, not any more. He likes to pull stunts, which Superman thinks is really cool (remember the story of the bed jumping, guess who's idea it was?). He likes to live vicariously through Superman. When I say this I mean he comes up with ideas that he knows are no-no's, and has Superman do it, and then comes and tells on him.

Joe thought having a peanut shell stuck in his hair was just the craziest thing.

     Now Joe and Robert are your typical brothers, and when I say this I mean they fight like there is no tomorrow. Someone is always picking on the other. When Robert was a baby Joe would beat up on him. I told Joe that one day Robert would be big enough to whoop his butt, and I would just say, "I told you so" when that day came. Well that day came and Joe was absolutely astounded that Robert knocked him on his butt. You know what I said don't you? These two can go from killing each other one second to falling down laughing the next. 

Now is this the face of a kid who would do anything wrong?

      Joe is my little helper, that is, only when he is in the helping mood. If he's in that mood, this kid will constantly ask me if there is anything he can help with. He likes to help Princess do the dishes, she's not so keen on the idea. Makes more work for her. I had a garden this summer, and of course he wanted to help. Unfortunately his version of helping ended up with him and his brother playing in the dirt. In all fairness he did actually learn something about the food we eat. I must have done something right. 

     Getting Joe outside to play this summer was hard. You see Joe likes to veg out in front of the TV watching cartoons or playing video games. When I told him to go outside his response to me was, "um, yeah I'm not really an outside kinda person". My response was, " um, yeah today you are so move your butt". I found the best way to get him outside is to give him learning lessons. Loves to gain knowledge this kid does. 

     Joe started Kindergarten last year, and had a very hard time of it. Not his fault at all the school he was in was, to say nicely...a HUGE disappointment. I still get in a rage when the subject is brought up. Anyhow, three days before pictures Joe fell off the monkey bars and came home with a very fat, black and blue lip. After making sure he was ok, the thought of there goes the perfect school picture down the tube, but it captures the essence of Joe just being a boy.  

       All in all Joe is a fun loving, snuggling, sport loving, goof ball. He is my goof ball. One of his spelling words was "nut", and when I gave him an example of the word used in a sentence it was this, " you are a nut, and your driving me nuts". He thought that was pretty funny, but he remembered the word. Mission accomplished.

Joe showing off his hair doo, he did by himself. 

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