Yeah Me and the Female Body...Again

So I wanted to kinda talk about the female body today, specifically mine. For those of you who have been following me you all know that I have some medical issues. I have the seizure disorder, and some other stuff going on that no one seems to be able to figure out. 

One of the things that is going on is an irregular period. This had been going on since Superman was born. At first it was a once in awhile thing and I just wrote it off as no big deal. However over the years it's gotten worse. I mean it's all over the place, where once upon a time I could set my watch to it, it's gotten to the point that I no longer can even find my watch. 

So after having my lovely period for three weeks one month I made an appointment to see the good ole doctor. We started with the usual PAP, and exam. Yeah fun! No, no it's not fun at all I was just kidding.  So we did this, and the results were just peachy keen. So she says I need to have an ultrasound done. No problem. 

Problem...insurance changed and had to find a new primary doctor. This of course means that I must start this process all over again. So I get referred to a gyno, and she wants to do a PAP again. Umm, no. You don't have my records yet, but I just had one done in like November. It was just fine. She believes me on this, but not on the pelvic exam. Guess what I get to do again? Oh yeah, strip down and knees up. 

Ya know, isn't it enough that as a woman we get our periods every month, can carry a fricken watermelon for nine months,  get completely exposed to God only knows how many people while giving birth (with Princess it was 10), whip that boobie out to feed the kid, get a PAP which involves, having a metal apparatus thingy that sort of resembles the tool to dig fence post holes but on a much smaller scale, shoved up your hoochy, have a long q-tippy thing scrape your innards, and then if that wasn't enough...have a completeish stranger shove their fingers up that there hoochy to feel around for anything abnormal, have your boobies smashed between two metal plates for a mammogram, and I'm sure I missed a whole bunch of stuff, but you get the idea. Why  is that I get the doctor who doesn't believe me, and makes me do the pole hole digger thing again? Yeppers, I hate being a woman. 

Holy crap totally forgot where I was going before going through the horrors above. Thinking, thinking...ah yes I remember, ultrasound. 

So the doctor tells me that it needs to be done two or three days after my period ends and I need to make an appointment to have it done. Umm ok, didn't we just discuss the fact that my period is all over the place and I have no idea what the hell is going on with it, and how the hell am I supposed to know when it really is going to end? So I just shut my mouth, and wish her a good day.

So today I go to make the ultrasound appointment, cuz as near as I can figure my period should technically be done by the end of the weekend. OMG I hate stupid people! This lady just about had me over the edge within a minute of talking to her. She starts out with you should have called when it started because it's easier to make the appointments that way. Well yes I can see that it would be, that is IF THE PERIOD WAS ACTING NORMAL and ran the usual seven day cycle. I explained to her that I was going there because of irregular periods and I had no way of knowing the when and how long. To which she persisted on the path of a regular cycle. I seriously think she was drugged up. She was very slow speaking, and kinda slurrish. Then again maybe she was speaking slow for me. Fuck I don't know. Then she was like how about next Monday at 9:40, I was like umm Monday doesn't really work for me since the meter guy is coming sometime between 10 an 12 to replace the water meter. (I wont even go into this crazy problem right now.) I suggested Tuesday or Wednesday. Nope not gonna work for her, and she states that my period will be over by then. Huh? I thought my period was supposed to have been done for two or three days before I had the ultrasound done? To which she replied, well yes that's correct.  At this point I gave up. Monday it is. I have no idea what the hell to do with the water meter guy, but I'm sure if I explain all this to him, he will be super understanding. 

Parts of the Female Body: The Dreaded Mammogram

     Hey yous, thought I might touch on something a bit more serious here today. You see tomorrow I get to go have my yearly Mammogram. I'm am not 40 yet, but I am supposed to be getting one done yearly since I was 27. You see my mom was diagnosed with Breast Cancer at the age of 27, so that automatically put me in the lucky category of "we'll make an exception for you." Here in Minnesota a woman usually will not get one until they turn 40 or in some cases 50, and then I believe it's every two years. Luck me huh? 

     Now you might have noticed that I used the word "supposed" when referring to getting a Mammogram done yearly. Well that's because I haven't. There is this thing in me that says, "nope, not gonna do that". I would much rather go through labor again than stand there having my boobies smushed. It fricken Hurts! When they say it's more painful the larger the breast, they aren't kidding. When I got my first one, I was rather small, but three kids later and a few extra pounds (ok much more than a few pounds), those suckers are much bigger. The bigger you are the more pressure they have to apply to get a good X-ray.

Never mind the fact there's some person (lady in my case) grabbing your boobies and plopping them on a cold steal plate. Sometimes I hate being a woman.

     So even thought Breast Cancer Awareness Month has pasted, make sure you still remember to get this done if you land in the luck category. Especially if you have a family history of this. There are low cost or free programs here in the states if you don't have insurance or you cant afford this. Pick up the phone and make that appointment, and while your there make sure you don't deck the poor technician. They need a paycheck too. Then you can be part of the Smushed Boobies Club, just like me.

Update: Got the results and everything is a-o-k with the boobies!