Thankful for My Problems

Sometimes I have a very hard time being thankful for what I have. I at times get so focused on all the shitty things going on that the little things just evade me. I have to make a conscious effort to stop my line of thinking and get it back on track, but sometimes...it's just so hard. 


I hate when I get into the negative mind frame, it tends to be a real downer, and I much prefer the uppers. (no I'm not a pill popper in that sense) I hate being depressed, and one of the only ways for me to get out of that funk is to kick myself in the ass, the other is to take some "happy pills" which I hate. I take enough medicine, and I would rather not add more, but occasionally it is something I have to do.


When we were living off of only $451 a month, it was really hard for me to go into the store and see all those cute baby clothes. I wanted to shop myself silly with all the clothes that would have been so adorable on my baby, but I barely had enough to buy the diapers. I would get down because I couldn't buy my kids all the cute clothes and toys that they "needed". 


Then there was the time that we were basically homeless. I mean we had a place to stay, but we weren't supposed to be there. It was a building that DH was trying to buy. It had apartments upstairs but they weren't up to code and there was no electricity. We ended up staying downstairs in what would have been a place of business. We had electricity down there, but there wasn't any heat or hot water. Neither the boiler or the water heater worked. We made a "tent" house to keep the little bit of heat we got from the electric heaters in so  we wouldn't be freezing, and heated up water old style to take baths. I HATED that time in life. 


Then we finally moved back to Minnesota and the five of us plus one dog ended up in a hotel room for 4 months. I seriously didn't have a stove for like a year and a half. I have to say I am VERY VERY thankful for stove and the house we rent now. People say that being poor is more enriching because you are so thankful for what you do have...I say bullshit. Don't get me wrong, I was very thankful for what we did have, but being that poor and down and out is a total mind fuck. It's humiliating, degrading, embarrassing, and stressful as all hell. My self esteem hit an all time low. I really struggled to find the good in those situations, and I'm happy to say we are doing better financially now.


Then there was the time when Superman was first born. This poor kid would throw-up every time he was fed. I'm not talking the spit-up that babies do. I'm talking actually throwing up. For two very long months I sat and watched my baby loose weight and cry non-stop, and nothing we did seemed to help. We tried different formulas, medicines...nothing worked.  We finally got him scheduled for x-rays on his stomach, and the night before the appointment he got really bad and we drove the fifty miles to the hospital. They were slammed and the doctor checked his vitals, and since they were ok, he sent us home as we already had the appointment the next day. The next day I drove the fifty miles again while DH stayed at home with Jokester and Princess. They took Superman into x-ray, and came out twenty minutes later telling me they were prepping him for surgery. I was devastated and scared shitless. It turned out he had Pyloric Stenosis, and in the 150 times the doctor had seen this and operated, Superman was the worse case he had ever seen. Superman improved immediately after the surgery, and has been shoveling food into his mouth non-stop since. 


So there have been many times in my life where I was totally overwhelmed with the events happening in my life, and I'm not sure exactly how I got through it all, I just kept putting one foot in front of the other. I had to stop focusing on the bad, and start looking for things to be thankful for. While the boys were babies, I may not have had the money to buy them new cute things, but they didn't go without. I may have not lived in the perfect house with the perfect conditions, but I did have a roof over my families head and food to eat. I may not have had the ability to heal Superman when he was sick, but there was a doctor who did, and he is now a typical kid with no residual health problems.  


Yeah, there is much for me to be thankful for, I just have to stop and get out of my funk to notice the good things, and remember to be thankful whether it's a good thing or a bad thing. It is after all my life, and I have the choice to wallow and sink or rise up and live.

Wondering What's Wrong

Do you ever have those days where your just kinda there? Where nothing seems to quite fit or seem right? I'm sure you have, I know I have. It's not that your depressed, or sad, and it's not that anything really is wrong. It's just a feeling of being out of sync. Can't quite put your finger on it.

Kind of like when your hungry or craving  something, but nothing sounds good. You keep trying different foods but none of them do the job for you and that craving is still there. I get that one a lot. I tend to get bored with the same foods all the time. DH got the idea one time to buy a butt load of hamburger cuz it was cheap and we didn't have much money at the time. By the second night of eating meals that consisted of hamburger I was done.  

Life is funny, things can be going just great, and all of a sudden... Wham! This thing just knocks you upside the head. After getting your senses back you stand there and look around wondering what the hell just happened. People around you can tell something isn't right, but when they ask you, all you can say is, " I don't know" which sounds stupid as all hell. I mean it's you, and you should know what's going on right?

It usually doesn't last long, maybe not even a day, but it gets you thinking. Thinking about things that are going on in your life. Trying to figure out where this feeling is coming from. You start ponder on your life and how it's going. You slowly start checking off things that aren't leading to this feeling. Things like, is it your job, your spouse, your kids, you health...

You spend an enormous amount of time trying to figure out just what is wrong. For some of you it's now starting to cross the line from pondering to obsessing on it. It sometimes goes down this road for me. Now your analyzing everything with a fine tooth comb. Still getting nothing. 

Then something happens for just a moment...something that makes you stop, and take notice of it. It might be your children just being goofy and cracking each other up. Maybe it's noticing a new flower in your garden that is beautiful. Maybe it's seeing a lady who looks like the world gave up on her. Maybe it's the rainbow after the rain. Maybe it's the child in the store who's crying because they want a piece of candy. It could be the old man just taking a walk and enjoying life. Then it hits you...

This thing that has been plaguing you all this time. This thing that you started  becoming so obsessed about just trying to figure it out. This thing that robbed you of all this time wasted. Turns out to be so simple. So easy. Something that should be second nature for all of us. 

You forgot to stop and enjoy life. Many people call it, "stopping to smell the roses". We get so busy doing our lives that we forget to just be. To live. To breathe. We forget to bask in the child's laughter. We forget to be thankful for what we have. We stop noticing others. We stop having a giving heart. We need to start living our lives, and to do that...we must stop doing our lives.